


One Voice to Torture Them All

by barefootxo



Series: The Random Parody Lyrics Collection [6]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5251673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barefootxo/pseuds/barefootxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of Song Parodies saluting the Lord of the Rings / Hobbit universe...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. She's Always a Woman

I don't own The Lord of the Rings, any of the characters, or _She's Always a Woman_. They belong to John R.R. Tolkien and Billy Joel respectively.  
  
  
  
This one is a salute to Lady Éowyn of Rohan...  
  
  
  
Once more into the breech, dear friends...  
  
  
  
~~  
  
  
  
 ** _She’s Always a Woman_**  
  
  
  
She can kill with a sword  
She can wound with her knife  
Her life has been filled with little but strife  
And she carries a shield to mask her beauty  
She hides from herself  
But she's always a woman to me   
  
She can lead men to arms  
She can take on the Witch King  
She can fight like a demon  
She’s stabbing and ducking  
And she'll ride into battle despite you or me  
She rides like a man  
But she's always a woman to me   
  
Oh, she’ll take care of herself  
She can hold on her own  
Just get out of her way  
Oh, though her shield-arm gives out  
She will never give up  
She’s in battle to stay  
  
She will promise to stay  
In the green fields of Rohan  
Then sometime much later  
She’ll dress as a horseman  
On the journey to Gondor  
A-riding she’ll be  
To you she’s Dernhelm  
But she's always a woman to me   
  
She’s beauty incarnate  
But she's frequently cold  
And a face like she’s got  
Will just never get old  
But she’ll always be hidden  
In light cavalry  
And all I can say  
Is I’m glad she’s that way  
And she's always a woman to me

 

~~

 

Jasper


	2. There to Aid My Toil

I don't own Harry Potter or Wind Beneath My Wings... Harry Potter belongs to Joanne K. Rowling and Wind Beneath My Wings belongs to Bette Midler...  
  
A salute to Bill the Pony! :p  
The singing is meant to be done by Samwise Gamgee. ;)  
  
~~  
  
It must have been in Bill Ferny’s farmhouse.  
The man should be slain I still believe.  
You were content to endure, and eat your hay.  
But I say the crumb should still be hanged.  
  
Mr. Frodo’s the one with all the glory.  
His fate here was writ in prophecy.  
And I was the one they sent to help him.  
As you were sent to do for me.  
  
Do you understand that you're my strong hand,  
In the garden of life you till the soil.  
I can be strong for Mr. Frodo,  
For you will be there to aid my toil.  
  
There might be some who would doubt it.  
They’d say you’re naught but a pony.  
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.  
I would have foundered without you.  
  
Do you understand that you're my strong hand,  
In the garden of life you till the soil.  
I can be strong for Mr. Frodo,  
For you will be there to aid my toil.  
  
Do you understand that you're my strong hand,  
In the garden of life you till the soil.  
I can be strong for Mr. Frodo,  
For you will be there to aid my toil.  
O you will be there to aid my toil.  
  
~~  
  
This has to be one of my cornier ones... :p  
  
Jasper


	3. Wizards

I do not own Lord of the Rings, any of the characters, or Daughters. They belong to John R.R. Tolkien and John Mayer respectively...  
  
  
  
Sung from Pippin's POV  
  
  
  
~~  
  
  
  
I know a man  
He’s swathed in grey, with an eye that demands  
But now he is in white  
A man on a mission to bring back the light  
  
And I do all I can  
To stand straight and tall with a blade in my hand  
Now I'm starting to see  
Maybe this mission is just beyond me  
  
Wizards, are quite quick to anger  
They’ll call you a fool of a Took  
Don’t meddle in their concerns, or you will soon be burned  
So hobbits, stay home and just read a book  
  
Ooh, you see Durin’s Bane?  
It's enough to drive you insane  
It’s been dormant here, since Durin’s Day  
Now it’s here  
And all I am is in the way  
  
Yes Wizards, are quite quick to anger  
They’ll call you a fool of a Took  
Don’t meddle in their concerns, or you will soon be burned  
So hobbits, stay home and just read a book  
  
Tooks, you can shake  
And orcs are more then we can take  
But Tooks will be strong  
And Tooks will fight on  
But Tooks would be gone without aide from   
A Wizard's deep, deep wisdom  
  
On behalf of every Took  
Aiding Wizards of the world  
Prepare to be shocked as to war you are hurled!  
  
Yes Wizards, are quite quick to anger  
They’ll call you a fool of a Took  
Don’t meddle in their concerns, or you will soon be burned  
So hobbits, stay home and just read a book  
So hobbits, stay home and just read a book  
So hobbits, stay home and just read a book  
  
~~  
  
*smirks*  
  
  
  
Fool of a Took! :p  
  
  
  
Jasper


	4. Frodo the Half-Grown Hobbit

I do not own Lord of the Rings, any of the characters, or Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. They belong to John R.R. Tolkien and Johnny Marks respectively  
  
~~  
  
You know Gandalf and Gimli,  
And Sam and Legolas...  
Strider and Merry,  
And Bilbo and Pippin...  
  
But do you recall...  
The most famous quester of all?  
  
Frodo the half-grown Hobbit (Hobbit)  
Had a very deadly sword (That was named Sting)  
And if you ever felt it (Felt it)  
You would even say it bored (Like a hand-drill)  
  
All of the other questers (Questers)  
Used to fight in Frodo's name (Like at Weathertop)  
They never let poor Frodo (Frodo)  
Fight the foes like Durin's Bane (And the Stone Troll)  
  
Then on lonely Mount Doom  
Gollum came to say,  
"Master with Precious so bright,  
Won't he give it to us tonight?"  
  
Then Frodo cried out fiercely, (Fiercely)  
As he shouted out with glee, (With glee)  
"Gollum you bloody fool (Fool)  
This old ring is history!!!" (History)  
  
~~  
  
*snickers*  
  
This is still one of my favourite pieces I've parodied... ;)  
  
Jasper


	5. Run Run Run

I do not own Lord of the Rings, any of the characters, _Fun Fun Fun_ or the Very Secret Diaries. They belong to John R.R. Tolkien, the Beach Boys and Cassandra Claire respectively  
  
  
  
Warning: Implied slash. If you've read the Very Secret Diaries then you should know about what to expect...  
  
  
  
~~  
  
  
  
Well he’s got Longbottom Leaf  
And he seems to think that he’s so cool now  
Doesn’t need to hang with me  
Not with all the new-found friends that he has now  
And so he leapt from the top of Orthanc  
And he said we are through now  
  
And he will run run run  
To his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends  
(Run run run to his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends)  
  
Well he got this new hat  
'Cause it lets him try this brand new trick now  
(His pointy hat trick now his pointy hat trick)  
And he’s got a new horse that he conned from Rohan’s king somehow  
(With the pointy hat trick now, with the pointy hat trick)  
A lotta Wraiths try to catch him  
But he leads them on a merry old chase now  
(He rides like an ace now he rides like an ace)  
  
And he will run run run  
To his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends  
(Run run run to his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends)  
  
Well he took my bottled bleach  
And he’s all clad in sparkly white now  
(After labour day too now, after labour day too)  
And since he took away my wand  
He’s been thinking that he’s the boss now  
(You’re in for a shock, man, you’re in for a shock)  
  
But he can’t take away my keys  
'Cause I’ve got a lot of plots to stew now  
(You just wait and see, man, you just wait and see)  
  
And he will run run run to his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends  
(Run run run to his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends)  
And he will run run run to his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends  
(Run run run to his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends)  
(Run run to his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends)  
(Run run to his pervy hobbit-fancyin’ friends)  
  
~~  
  
  
Oh what I did...  
  
  
  
Jasper


	6. Join Our Quest!

I don't own the Hobbit. It belongs to John Tolkien.

 

~~

 

Gandalf the Grey:

 

Join our quest,

Join our quest,

Put your mettle to the test.

We came here to hire a burglar

But are not very impressed...

 

Invited me

Just for tea,

But our number is thirteen.

Thorin Oakenshield's the leader

Of the ones raiding your larder!

 

You hear tales

Of our plans,

Now it's really in your hands.

Are you going to join us for this epic quest?

 

Far o'er the mountains old

Into the caverns cold...

Please join our quest,

Join our quest,

Join our quest!

 

Thorin II Oakenshield:

 

You are late.

Now be swift.

Just forget your handkerchiefs.

We have got no for niceties,

Now do you catch my drift?

 

Yes the trolls

Were not fun,

But they turn to stone in sun

Then we raid their hidden stashes,

And find gold and weapons caches.

 

I get Orcrist,

You get Sting,

And old Gandalf gets Glamdring,

So stop acting like you're dangerously stressed!

 

We're off to get all soused,

At the Last Homely House.

We'll be their guest,

Elrond's guest,

On our quest!

 

Gollum:

 

Be our guest!

Be our guest!

Come and chat with us, Precious.

After gobbling down a goblin,

We expect you're delicious.

 

We tell riddles,

in the dark.

After so long,

it's a lark.

Is it hands, or knife, or locket?

What's it got inside its pockets?

 

It's a cheat!

Game's a wreck!

We will wring Baggins' neck!

Now we just have to retrieve our Precious!

 

We search out high and low,

For our Precious, you know...

Where's Precious?

Where's Precious?

My Precious!

 

Thorin II Oakenshield:

 

Join our quest,

Join our quest,

To our mountainous fortress.

I'm sure that the mighty dragon

Won't be much beyond a pest.

 

Has a hollow In its breast,

So aim arrows at its chest.

Smaug set fire unto Laketown

Til a bowman shot him down.

 

Dragon's dead!

Treasure's won!

But now everyone wants some

We'll show these vultures dwarf defiance at its best!

 

Bilbo Baggins:

 

I think we're going to die.

Look, there’s eagles in the sky!

What a quest!

What a quest!

I need a rest!

 

~~

 

Jasper


End file.
